Someone Has Fixed You Up

(This is still the title:)
A Respiratory Episode in X Number of Parts
A Shale Deposit in Story Form
A Gambit by Commander McBragg
The Farfetched Adventures of a Plumber Known Only as Copperfield
A Supernatural Tale of a Night in a Malicious Planetarium
Living Amongst the Spearhead Tribe With Casanova
My Years as Lead Guitarist With the legendary Gerhard Atrocious
Commuting to the Senate in the Jacuzzi of a Pink Rolls Royce
The Annoying Reminiscences of a Glamorous Procession to Brunch
Several Recitative Bashings
The Study of Law by Yogi Berra
A Bothersome Memoir of One Typographer’s Life and Loves
The Accounting of the Lost

A friend has got you a blind date with a friend!
To accept the invitation bend over and stand upright and breathe evenly
and scream your name related to some disease all at the same time. Then go
to this web site:

http://www.cantwaittodanceontheemperorsgrave.com/confirm/

The free dating web site that’s created daily by women!

If you do not wish to be invited again go to bed and wait
exactly three days from the moment you first start reading
this then ask the man there to give you some space and go
to this web site:

http://www.cantwaittodanceontheemperorsgrave.com/unconfirm/

Then send your membership dues to:

Carnivorous Sun, LTD
54321 Desecrated Low Tide Blvd, Suite 00000
Level Quotient B8D 4MS
Canned Ade

Include the following text in your message:

I nagged an Elf and withheld her green card.
I am not a magistrate.
I am, however, just as contemptible.
I skipped the centrist runoff for an underage vixen.
That capsized convoy to rescue the whale was my fault.
I enjoy voyeurism.
I have a cardiac condition.
It causes me to be tremulous.
That’s why I dress this way, to appear more burly.
I am allergic to cellophane and Oregon.
My memoirs, of which this is a chapter, do not treat you politely.
I’ve had a small asymmetrical blotch on my hip for several weeks.
I cannot appease my wife.
I’m a teacher of latin but I don’t know what curricula means.
I actually do mean to be divisive.
You do not have my deepest condolences on your loss.
I’ve made up my mind to die in Tahiti with a thirteen year old wahine.

Complete the form with at least one terrible admission of your own, then:

A lark is afoot and shall ferment
the ions in brimstone her hosiery
she grew in the depths of Tanganyika
a cathedral issued her credit card
alphabetically she follows syntheses

Clap three times if you spotted the hidden auditory implant